Some people completely embrace the holidays. They love the decorations, putting lights up on the house, picking out presents for anyone and everyone - from a close friend to the mailman. They listen to the Bing Crosby Holiday Pandora station at work, declining to wear headphones because they'd rather share that holiday cheer with everyone within a 10-desk listening radius.
These people might jokingly say "Bah Humbug!" when you ask them to turn their music down. They may never notice your grimace, the tears in your eyes, your quick exit from the holiday gathering, blinded by their own joy in "the most wonderful time of the year."
They might miss the quiet ones who find the holidays to be excruciating. The pain in the eyes of the friend experiencing his first Christmas without his mom. The co-worker facing a life-threatening illness, wondering if next year will be their last to live. The person standing next to them in line, who is quietly wondering how to pay the rent, let alone buy a gift. The woman closing her eyes and asking for strength to make it through the anniversary of her miscarriage.
If you are struggling, being called a grinch by holiday-embracers, I hereby give you permission to not be cheerful, and to feel your grief. Do you wish you could snap back at your coworker, giving them the reason why you don't want to listen to holiday music? Tell him honestly "my dad just died, and I'm not feeling particularly cheerful." Want to skip every holiday party and watch Netflix instead? Enjoy your cocoa and shows. You are under no contract with Santa-lovers, wreath-makers, carolers. You are not obligated to smile. You do not have to wish anyone a happy holiday. If the thought of sleeping in on Christmas morning is more appealing to you than going to your aunt's house for brunch - sleep in.
When you wish you could close your eyes and skip ahead two weeks, do whatever helps you make it to the other side. And know that somewhere in this world, there are others who understand you. Who give you permission. Who send you love and wish you well, even though they do not know you.
What our friends brimming with holiday cheer may not understand, is that you can't fake your way out of grief. You have to fully feel it, to embrace it, to allow it to run its course. The only way out is through. So give yourself permission to make your way through the murky path. To feel whatever you feel this holiday season. To do whatever you need to do. Breathe. Feel. Survive. Repeat.
And one day, you will realize that you did, in fact, make it. You will find your grief shrinking, your ability to smile returning, the vibrancy of the world around you increasing. You may even find yourself enjoying the holiday season, after years of wanting to hide under the covers until it was over. You might talk to that Bing Crosby-loving coworker, and learn that their love for the holidays comes from a place of gratitude, because they too spend years hiding under the covers. They too had to work through the heavy weight of grief, and their love for the holidays came gradually, catching them off guard.
If you aren't there (or even close), and still want to hide, go ahead and hide. Take your time. One day - you will make it through.
Sending love, warmth, and permission to feel.