Next Sunday will be the two year anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant for the second time, 15 months after our first miscarriage. Six weeks later, we would learn that our baby had died, and two weeks after that I would miscarry a loved, wanted child for the second time. The day before the anniversary of that joyful, hopeful day, Ben and I will be speaking at RESOLVE's Midwest Family Building Conference on a panel titled Letting Go of the Biological Dream: Moving on to New Dreams. While I disagree with the verbiage choice of moving on, which implies leaving infertility and our losses behind us (this is impossible - they are a part of us), and would prefer to see this titled Moving Forward towards New Dreams, it feels like an appropriate way to acknowledge the anniversary, celebrating the fact that we are no longer drowning in grief and are fully living our lives, and sharing our choice with couples struggling with the difficult question of "what's next?"
Couples often decide to try to conceive because they "want a family". Social media posts celebrating a birthday of a first-born child more often than not include the words "you made us a family". When a family is defined by children, the childfree choice is a loss of family. After our second miscarriage and infertility diagnosis, when Ben brought up childfree as a potential choice, it felt devastating, like it would be giving up, resolving to a family-free future. But somewhere along the way, my perspective began to shift. My mental schema of a family slowly broadened from a married couple with children to include a much wider set of definitions.
When we redefine family to include couples who create a life together but never marry, a blended family with step-children, a single parent and child, roommates who become closer than biological siblings, or a childfree couple, we open our minds and hearts to many possible futures for ourselves. My heart began to embrace the childfree choice when I realized that I already have a family - my husband and I are a family. The first time I posted a photo of the two of us on social media and someone commented "you have a beautiful family" I cried. They saw us. We are not less than for not having children. We are a family.
Now when new acquaintances ask me, "do you have a family?", I answer differently than I used to. In the past, I would say "not yet" or "we'd like to someday". But now, my answer is always yes. Yes, I have a family. A loving family. A strong marriage I am so grateful for. We may not have children, but we are a family.
On November 18th at Normandale Community College in Bloomington, MN, we will share our story along with couples who made the different choices of donor egg and adoption. And if our audience remembers nothing else, I hope that they remember this: that they are already a family.
To learn more about the RESOLVE Midwest Family Building Summit or to register, visit Resolve.org/get-involved/events/local-events/midwest-family-building-summit/