We crave a tight-knit social network, people who see your true self and accept that self wholeheartedly. When you find this, you've found your tribe. Some are lucky and belong to many tribes - family, a group of friends from college, work colleagues. Others might have none. When I told Ben I was working on this post, he said "so, like your circle of friends." Yes, tribe is that, and it is also so much more. Your tribe knows you, the full, complete you. They support each other no matter what - through good times and bad. When they don't know what to say or how to help, they try anyway, even if it means stumbling to find the right words, or gestures. 

I recently attended an immersion week for the year-long course I am taking, the Wholebeing Institute's Certificate in Positive Psychology (CiPP). At the beginning of the week, we were a group of strangers, all brought together by the desire to learn positive psychology research, strategies and tools for our personal selves and/or to enhance our contributions in our jobs. We entered a safe space where we were encouraged to ponder what our core values were, what our ideal selves looked like. Very quickly, we became a tribe. 

At the end of the week, I had several conversations about how amazing it had been to share our truest selves with this group, and how quickly we became close because of that authenticity. Why is it so much harder to do this, establish a honest, deep relationship in the real world? Why do I feel like my fellow students knew me better than some of my closest family members and friends? Why is the thought of being my true, authentic self with people I have known for years a scary prospect, when I can do it so readily with this group of strangers? 

Brené Brown encourages people to be vulnerable with others who deserve that vulnerability. It is a fear of how your authenticity and vulnerability will be received that holds many of us back.  Family, friends, people who have known you through your evolution as a person, have seen your worst parts - are they deserving of your vulnerability? Will they be able to forgive you for who you were, accepting and loving who you are? At the CiPP immersion, not only were we all encouraged to step outside our comfort zones and be vulnerable, we were also taught how to listen fully, show compassion and support to others. In other words, we knew these people deserved our vulnerability. That they would be supportive, not critical. And thus, we quickly formed a loving tribe. Can we trust that others in our lives will be equally deserving, that if we were to be vulnerable with them, they would support us and show compassion, not judgement?

“Don't waste your time being what someone wants you to become, in order to feed their list of rules, boundaries and insecurities. Find your tribe. They will allow you to be you, while you dance in the rain.”

- Shannon L. Alder

Long before my vision quest, I became a member of another tribe, one from an unlikely source - the internet. What began as a group of women sharing one similar goal - growing our families - evolved into a tight-knit community fiercely supportive of each other. Similar to my more recent experience with CiPP, this environment allowed me to come to the table as my truest, most honest self. Interacting online gives you a unique opportunity - to be who you are, anonymously. While for some, this gives them permission to drop the niceties and unleash an ugly, negative, side of themselves out into the world, for many, this is an opportunity to be vulnerable and honest - to share their hopes and dreams without fear of repercussion.

My online community is the most supportive tribe I have ever been a part of. We are made up of women from across North America and beyond, all ends of the economic spectrum, city dwellers and country folk, self-declared gun-toting bible-thumping conservatives and bleeding-heart liberals. Some have large families, others may never be able to have biological children. Many have experienced devastating loss - of parents, siblings, children, or a beloved spouse. We have different viewpoints, celebrate different things, go through different struggles, have different goals. And yet, we have respectful discourse when disagreements come up, and are always compassionate and loving toward one another. This tribe lifts me up when I'm down, and encourages me to give myself permission to be human and not feel great about yet another pregnancy around me, or that it's okay to not want to go to another baby shower. I can be silly with them, snarky and sassy with them, share my hopes and fears for the future, my self-critical inner voice and my voice of self-compassion. My capacity for empathy has skyrocketed since knowing them. I have now met many members of this community in person, and in those moments, though we are meeting for the first time, it always feels like I'm catching up with a dear friend, having bypassed the awkward early stages of a relationship in the real world.

We need tribe to thrive. I want to be part of helping others thrive - to lift them up, offer words of encouragement, give them permission not to do something that hurts their hearts, to help them see their own strengths, to nourish their souls and watch them flourish. In the real world, I am afraid of being vulnerable and authentic, because I am not always sure if the listener will be deserving. In the past, there have been times when I've opened up to people and have not received the support I needed, or experienced judgment, not compassion. Those experiences made me reticent to open up again in the future. Yet now I now know it will be worth the risk. I have seen the beauty of tribe, what it can do for every single member of the group. In order to build tribe, I need to let myself be vulnerable. I encourage readers to join me in this challenge - to be authentic, your true self, and nourish the tribes around you. We have everything to gain.